PANDEMIC BLUES
Fiction Story by ss
I heard the other day that adults should not feel bad about getting some mental health help to cope with pandemic anxieties. So I think to myself – I’m cool, no problem.
Sure, I have some places I’d like to go, and I have some people I’d like to see, and I certainly have some things I’d like to do. Often, I find myself reflecting on my father’s mantra to “toughen up” as I hang out month after month after month.
My wife hasn’t killed me yet, nor I her, so it’s all cool.
I’ve been looking for new territory to explore and I came upon this sweet, old, delicious red barn while out biking the other day. I snapped a photo and rode on.
I got a few minutes down the road and I got thinking… I’m in Kentucky, and what that barn really needs is a basketball hoop.
As I continued to ride down the road, I thought to myself, since the owners of that barn are in Kentucky, they’re probably Wildcat fans, so the photo should have a wildcat.
But then I thought, they’re a lot closer to Bowling Green, and the barn is red, not blue, so they’re probably fans of Western Kentucky, the Hilltoppers. I’m not sure what a Hilltopper is, but I thought I should probably put a Hilltopper in the photo anyway.
As I rode further, I thought back and I couldn’t remember what shade of red the barn was. The more I thought about it, the more I got thinking it’s probably more like the Louisville Cardinal’s red. The photo definitely needed a cardinal.
When I arrived home, I ran downstairs to the basement computer and put together my masterpiece. I added a symbolic vulture, perched on the barns roof, always on the lookout for loss of life.
Then I added a really stunning, pink-striped digital matte around the photo, and a couple other graphics. I finished my composition and it was brilliant, pure genius. I printed it out, and ran upstairs to show it to my better half.
She took one look and burst into laughter. “OMG what are you going to do with that gawd-awful thing?” she said in a rather uppity tone. I told her I was going to frame it and hang it up in the living room. “Oh NO you’re not” she laughed, “It’s ugly! NO WAY!”
“WAY!” I screamed, “and it’s BEAUTIFUL!”
It’s a “FAKE PHOTO” she screamed back. “It’s pathetic!”
“It’s an alternative reality photo!” I explained rather loudly “and again, it’s magnificent!”
I exploded down the stairs. I searched for a frame that would fit my new masterpiece; but the only thing I could find was a 24” x 36” frame, the largest size I can print. Hell yes, I thought, I’m going to make it BIG. So I re-printed the damn thing by stretching it out of proportion so that it would fit the frame. So what if it’s not accurate? But then the stupid frame was broken, but luckily I found some duct tape, and taped the corners. I attached some wire to hold it up. I found the biggest nail I could find, grabbed the sledgehammer and ran back upstairs. I let out a low growl, took a mighty swing and drove the stake home. I hung it and it’s beautiful.
The pandemic is not affecting me. I’m good. It’s all-cool. Peace, and out.